The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

I haven't written in here in a while because I've been rather down, to the point of attempted suicide. I'm feeling a little better now and am glad I wasn't successful. I hurt a lot of people when I did that, especially my girlfriend and my best friend. I thought I was thinking about them when I was doing it but really I was only thinking about myself. I am seeking professional help for my problems which have been many this year. I did find out that I am still on disability because of my blood pressure and will still be getting money for that, so that eases some of my stress. The money I get isn't a lot by any means but it's better than nothing. For those that don't know my profession requires my blood pressure be below 130/90 and mine has been staying close to 150/100 for the most part since the second accident I was in. So until I get my bp down I can't work. My knee and back doctors have released me to go back to work, but I will always have pain in my knees and back. I have come to accept that I don't like it but since I can't change it I'll just have to deal with it.

I think I have enough stress in my life right now to give an elephant a heart attack. I need to update my portfolio because Ive found that I wasnt as unhurt as I originally thought after my accident, I just havent gotten around to it. Turns out I had 2 buldging disks in my back, torn cartlidge in my right knee and fluid on both knees. I've had 3 seperate cortizone shots in my back, surgery on my right knee amd have had to wear braces on both knees trying to get the fluid to drain. I've had to fight with my disability insurance company to get money even though I've been off work since march. I finally got my 1st check the last week of July only 5 days before my resident alien card expired. By the time the funds we're cleared in the bank I was just able to get my application for a new card postmarked with only 2 days to spare, but they can still possibly deny my application and if anything comes up right now my card is expired. At my last visit to my back specialist he told me my back is as good as it's going to get and he wouldn't recomend surgery since the risk outweighs the benefit at this point, btw my back hurts all the time. Last week my best friend of over 26yrs( he's like a brother to me) tried to kill himself because of marrital problems. Even though I couldn't really afford to I drove the 300+ miles to where he lives to try to help him through it while he was in the hospital. I went through basically the same thing with my 2nd wife before she ended up leaving me anyway so I know what he's going through. His wife finally showed up after he'd been there 3 days wanting to make nice, I just hope she's really sincere about wanting to make it work. I had to file bankrupcty a couple years ago because of medical bills and today I found out my lawyer has been suspended and can't represent me and the us district court wants my financial records. Lately I've also been concerned because my blood pressure has been higher than normal (imagine that). If I can't get it below 130/90 I can't go back to work and the lowest its been lately is 145/102, it's been as high as 162/108. Before all of this it used to always run 110/70. I also found out today that my only means of transportation needs an oil pump which is atleast a $300 job that has to get done this week so my g/f can go back to work friday and I can get to the doctor on the same day and I wont get another check until the end of the month. Oh and somewhere along the line I have 3 bone impacted wisdom teeth that need to be surgically removed. I had the 1st of my 4 wisdom teeth removed 3yrs ago and had to get a loan against my car to afford to get it done. I almost forgot to mention about 3 weeks ago I was in the E.R. with heat exhaustion because our a.c. at home doesnt work so we're forced to rely on a window unit which doesnt cool the whole house well enough. Since then I really cant tolerate heat and the a.c. compressor is going out on our car as well and the part alone is over $300 that doesn't include installing it. It's a good thing I shave my head or I'd be pulling my hair out. If it weren't for my girlfriend I think I would find a nice tall bridge to take a swan dive from, but somehow her love for me and mine for her keeps me going.